“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Truthfully, instead of writing a blog to share spiritual practices and meditation experiences, I would be content to just quote Brene Brown for the rest of the pages. Or I can simply reiterate my version of Elizabeth Gilbert’s long list of fear in her book, “Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.”
“Does the world need another blog?”
“I can’t write well in English. It’s not my first language. I still mix up singulars/plurals and tenses after 25 years being in America.”
“What could I offer? I know so little compare to my meditation teachers, fellow practitioners, and really, anyone in the world.”
“I haven’t practiced meditation long enough.”
“I haven’t practiced meditation deep enough.”
“Isn’t this a narcissistic endeavor?”
“What would everyone and their mother in the world think if I say personal truths aloud?”
“Yikes, now my limitations would be fully exposed to the world!” (Tina Fey’s Impostor Syndrome voice)
“I am not a vegetarian.” (What? ?)
And this is my favorite from Elizabeth’s list, “I am fat. What does fat got to do with anything? Well, because as long as we are naming reasons to not do something, and body-image obsessed is on everyone’s list, we may as well name it.” Love it!
Mara likes to dance around from every angle at every level. It’s so easy to let those doubtful voices take over and say I am not going to do something because I am not x enough and I am afraid of y. Yet there is something about the nature of calling or any life change is that despite all the doubts and critical voices, it feels like something you have to do because it is the only way you can live an authentic life. You do it because you must. When you try to ignore it, life pushes you back toward that which you are called for.
I have been wrestling with the decision to become a meditation teacher or a healer in some forms since three years ago, and this spring I initiate this journey by participating in a two-year meditation in nature facilitator training program. Whether beginning a meditation facilitator training will ultimately lead me to be a teacher, that I do not know. I do not yet know whether I would actually enjoy teaching meditations and if so, in what forms.
More and more, I see life not as a linear path, but a labyrinth. At times we may feel like we just keep walking in circles, or worse, going further and further from the center that we think we want to reach. Yet if we keep the faith and follow our heart, the center appears in front of us all of sudden. After receiving the gifts at the center, we realize it is time to leave. We walk back in circles again. And just as the walk in, the walk out seems endless. We don’t seem like we are getting any closer to the exit and wonder if we would ever get out, and there, the exit emerges ahead. We end up exactly where we begin, but we have changed because of the journey we have taken. We have changed as we build faith and strengths in each unfolding step. More and more, I realize that happiness does not come from perfection and achievements, or reaching a particular goal. Happiness comes from feeling alive, to dream, to love, to explore, to enjoy each step of the way, and not attaching to the outcome.
So I would like to explore creating a blog as part of this meandering journey. I am writing because of three reasons:
- Explore questions and process. Often I have sensed insights, thoughts, feelings that I would like to explore deeper, whether they emerge from deep, transformative experiences from retreats or mundane struggles of daily life. In particular, I am interested in exploring how do we integrate the spiritual practices into our daily life? How do we make these practices real? How do I reach up to the sky and feel my feet on the ground? How do I bring meditative presence in my interactions with those around me? Processing leads to clear seeing, clear seeing leads to conscious choice and action.
- Finding and expressing my voice and exercising the vulnerability muscles. Part of spiritual and emotional growth is to own and speak our voices. What do I care to say? How do I say it with love, humor and acceptance? How do I open my heart and be vulnerable so that I can share my truths that could be helpful to myself and others?
- Connect with a community and grow together. We are social animals. We need support from each other. We inspire and encourage each other. There is something about storytelling and sharing that leads to healing. By sharing our humanity and struggles, we help each other know that we are not alone in our humanity and struggles. We may not know the answers and the answers may not even matter, but knowing that we are not alone have already made the difference.
Creating this blog will be taking a walk in the labyrinth of vulnerability. To find my voice, to own it, and to express it. Let it be heard. Connect with others. Refine it. It is very much the training I need to grow as a person. There will be no success or failure. At the end of this journey, I have no idea whether I will actually end up teaching meditation. The “Delete this site” button is only one click away. But I know I will change and grow because of this journey.
Take a walk with me in the labyrinth. Be my witness, my companions, because we could all use companions in our journey, even if it is for a little while. I will be grateful for your company along the way, and that we have changed because of the journey we take together. Perhaps we see wildflowers, or we see poison oaks. In a recent wilderness retreat, I learned that the berries of a Manzanita tree can heal the rashes from poison oak, which are often found next to each other. So perhaps we see both, but know that Mother Earth is kind, and the healing solution is always nearby if we look for it.
Photo credit: Jack Dorsey
Update in 2024: I never got the time to write blogs, but I did end up teaching meditation and writing newsletters regularly and I have enjoyed the meandering teaching journey – what to teach, how to teach, and with what intention. Thank you for walking with me throughout all these years.